Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*