@TheCatWhisprer

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

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@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

@spies_please

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

@TheSharona06

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

@petemandik

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

@chuuew

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@Maxine12333

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.