My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.


Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.


I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.


THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.


My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.


i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.