My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.