My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

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[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]


TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL


When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time


Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.


Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.


My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.


In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.


When you’re naked on the bed with the curtains open and the window cleaner comes.


me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy