I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*