Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.