My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.