My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
the short answer to this question
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!