Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house