My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
🐕🍷
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years