My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then