My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir