My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead