Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.