My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
good work, detective
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is