My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?