Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
This kid will have a bright future.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: