My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
You Might Also Like
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“I’m helping” 😅
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
