my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
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Selfie
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
what kind of cook setting is this??
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*