Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.