Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!