Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Introverted vegans go meetless

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

why would tinder want me to say this

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*