“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”