“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.