“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.