“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Usage Guidelines
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook