“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
💻🤡
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Check your privilege
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
