“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
You Might Also Like
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.