My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…