My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.