My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Legend 🤣🤣
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…