Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

ugh not again

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.