My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Damn what did I do next
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
They did not think through this water fountain
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!