My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING