My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
