My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Easy enough.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho