My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
You Might Also Like
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.