My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-