My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes