Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious