My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I think this should do it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
