My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
