My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
absolutely not
A recipe for laughter
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.