My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line