Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?