My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.