My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
shit just got real
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !