My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
HELP 😭
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.