@KentWGraham

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

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@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@donni

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@mermaidsluvwine

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

@TheMichaelRock

When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*