me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Helping 21 with her finances.
21: How’s my credit?
Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*