My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”