My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
You Might Also Like
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
wow he looks just like him
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣