My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans