My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.