Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Just had my nails done!

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was