Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Um … Hot Wings please

Mountain Goat : )

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”