My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
just gave your address to some spiders
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*puts words between two asterisks*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Taliband
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”