My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
the greatest twitter interaction
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m the neighbor
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.