@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

@

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@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@BunAndLeggings

I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.