My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.