@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

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@MarieLoerzel

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

@Gen22

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

@LindaInDisguise

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

@vladchoc

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked