My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.


So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient


Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze


I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.


Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you


Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


[walking somewhere]



Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked