I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.