If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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So basically life is cancelled
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked