My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
They did not think through this water fountain
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.