My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
