Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!