Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”