My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
March 16
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“i am a sweet baby”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….