My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
i choose….tongue
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Has there ever been a more American story?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.