My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You Might Also Like
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Feels
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.