My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist