Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

genius

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

“you recording!?”

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

lmfao

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see