Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

socratic questions

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!