My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans