Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

I Can’t Tonight…

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office