My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

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The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”


Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.


You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.


One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.


DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)


You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical


If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.


When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.