My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Phones down.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I enjoy a good short stor
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur