Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

That eye roll….

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried