My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
(by @ZachWeiner )
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses