My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.