Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Only a mother’s love …

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

no their not

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

The Assassin.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again